WINDOW or AISLE?

The B-12 Patch Is Essential. So is soup.

Jan 18
“I was lying under a black blanket in the back of my Escalade. My heart raced as my assistant, Julie, backed out of the garage and tore through my Bel Air neighborhood, trying to outrun the paparazzi who had been camped out at my house for the two weeks since August 15, 2011, when we’d found the body of my husband, Russell Armstrong, following his suicide.” hiding from reality [all lowercase font!!!] by Taylor Ducklips Armstrong, currently a background player on the riveting melodrama teleplay called “Real” Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she excels at floating into the background of the camera currently shooting whomever’s fight with whomever about whatever, whilst trying to convey how afraid she is of conflict because of her tragic past, which is what her book that she “wrote” is about I guess, or maybe about her favorite black turtleneck since she’s on the cover snuggling one with artfully splayed hair like a Gorsuch model, which is probably what she thinks of as classy, since she’s a trashy con-artist and yeah, objectively, she’s A TERRIBLE writer, but look at the important details she managed to cram into those first two sentences — about her big SUV, her assistant driver and her house in posh Bel Air, even though it was actually a generic McMansion-y rental in the tacky area of Bel Air, but the important thing all readers must know immediately is that it was IN BEL AIR — before getting to the bit about her dead husband. [If there weren’t every other book in the universe, I would put this on my to-read list! But there is. Insert sad face with ducklips. Because I do wonder if that black blanket was cashmere, and I bet there’s a chapter on it.]

Jan 17

Kale is Killing Awards Season

Kale is good. A few years ago, someone declared it A-Mazing and now kale is on every menu and every cooking show and blog and magazine. Kale is all dressed up, ready to join every party in your mouth (and that’s how you use that tired phrase properly). But let’s admit it, we’re all a little tired of it aren’t we? Kinda got kale fatigue? Oh, we keep smiling and nodding and eating that kale because it is good, it’s just there are things we like to eat that are better, and… too much kinda makes your stomach hurt and makes you poop. No, no, we’re not saying we don’t like kale, we all agree, it’s good. It’s fine. It’s just… Go away Anne Hathaway. You’re headed into poop territory.


Oct 28

Christmas Gifts - for the ones you truly love.


Mar 24
Church bathroom graffiti. Presbyterians be hardcore, man.

Church bathroom graffiti. Presbyterians be hardcore, man.


Dec 29
npr:

If you’ve ever lamented the time and effort it takes to brew or procure a  cup of coffee, this might perk you up. “Breathable Energy. Anytime.  Anyplace.” (via Inhalable Caffeine: Party Drug Or Handy, Pocket-Sized Boost? : The Salt)
Photo: Breathable Foods

I need this. But in a simpler to use form. Breathing takes soooo much effort.

npr:

If you’ve ever lamented the time and effort it takes to brew or procure a cup of coffee, this might perk you up. “Breathable Energy. Anytime. Anyplace.” (via Inhalable Caffeine: Party Drug Or Handy, Pocket-Sized Boost? : The Salt)

Photo: Breathable Foods

I need this. But in a simpler to use form. Breathing takes soooo much effort.


Nov 29

Self-reflection

Sometimes, I open my closet & think “my God, this woman wears a lot of pink.” Then I remember it’s a line from “Legally Blonde” & I’m glad I ditched law school, cause otherwise I’d just be a movie cliche.


Oct 17
Adding this to my wine cellar (a wire shelf next to the fridge) alongide my prized “Bitch” and “Monogamy” bottles. And thus my wine collection is complete.

Adding this to my wine cellar (a wire shelf next to the fridge) alongide my prized “Bitch” and “Monogamy” bottles. And thus my wine collection is complete.


Oct 12

Sep 23
The driver was a young Asian female. I know, we’re all shocked.

The driver was a young Asian female. I know, we’re all shocked.


She said she was on a job interview. She wiped her mouth with a tissue and tucked her bra into her purse. Her panties? Left in lieu of a resume.

She said she was on a job interview. She wiped her mouth with a tissue and tucked her bra into her purse. Her panties? Left in lieu of a resume.


scarletjohanssoning:

Ernie Johansson

scarletjohanssoning:

Ernie Johansson

(via paulscheer)


Aug 3
You know. I complained about your overgrown hedges. They were a public menace what with the blocking of the sidewalk and all. Then I noticed you hacked a few branches off last week. And discourteously left them right in the middle of the sidewalk. Now I see you’ve finally given up the attempt to claim this particular patch of sidewalk for yourselves (this isn’t Oregon Trail, you can’t just settle land as you wish anymore) and what have you gone and done? The worst hedge-trimming job ever, that’s what. You should be run out of the town for this visual blight, but of course we’re all too nice for that, a character flaw of a large percentage of Pacific Northwest residents, I find. So, I just want to let you know that I hate your hedges still.

What shall we bring to the BBQ tomorrow?

You know. I complained about your overgrown hedges. They were a public menace what with the blocking of the sidewalk and all. Then I noticed you hacked a few branches off last week. And discourteously left them right in the middle of the sidewalk. Now I see you’ve finally given up the attempt to claim this particular patch of sidewalk for yourselves (this isn’t Oregon Trail, you can’t just settle land as you wish anymore) and what have you gone and done? The worst hedge-trimming job ever, that’s what. You should be run out of the town for this visual blight, but of course we’re all too nice for that, a character flaw of a large percentage of Pacific Northwest residents, I find. So, I just want to let you know that I hate your hedges still.

What shall we bring to the BBQ tomorrow?


Jul 26
Young lady, you’re not getting on the plane wearing that. This isn’t the Disney Channel Hooker Jet Plane…Airline. If these people wanted teenage whores they’d be on their way to Thailand, not L.A. Wait. That doesn’t work at all. Anyway, two finger rule. It works for both length and tightness of clothing. Learn it, use it, love it. And pass it on to your even younger sister there. Your father would say you both look like hussies.

Young lady, you’re not getting on the plane wearing that. This isn’t the Disney Channel Hooker Jet Plane…Airline. If these people wanted teenage whores they’d be on their way to Thailand, not L.A. Wait. That doesn’t work at all. Anyway, two finger rule. It works for both length and tightness of clothing. Learn it, use it, love it. And pass it on to your even younger sister there. Your father would say you both look like hussies.


I sort of feel like there must be a more…advanced way to indicate which wheel belongs on which side of the humongous motor vehicle. Perhaps we ought to outsource this to a nation that can handle such challenging tasks?

I sort of feel like there must be a more…advanced way to indicate which wheel belongs on which side of the humongous motor vehicle. Perhaps we ought to outsource this to a nation that can handle such challenging tasks?


Jul 18

WTF is “jigsaw”???? People, listen closely: I will immediately de-friend or de-circle or de-follow you on any and all social media if you send me Jigsaw, LinkedIn (seriously, is this 2004?) or any other bunk social networking info. And to the idiots who are confusing me with someone else with my same name, don’t you ever wonder why your loved one never emails you back? Doesn’t this make you casually bring this up over potato salad and sangria at the next shindig you see her at, at which point, do you not just point blank say, “hmmm, let me double check your email address, oh, yup, gee whiz, I totally had that wrong,” and then you slap your forehead and you both have a good chuckle even though it isn’t really that funny, but that’s what we do to fill silences, we fake laughter? No? You don’t do this? I know! Because you keep emailing me. I tried to be understanding. I replied and let you know I would not be attending the family reunion because I was not the right Rachel. But now I’m getting angry. You’re adding yourselves to my Google Plus. You’re sending me inane updates about cousins that wouldn’t be interesting even if I were related to you. And now the effin Jigsaw junk mail onslaught— my investigation into that is ongoing, but I’m blaming you. All of you idiots who keep emailing the wrong Rachel. Leave me alone!!!


Page 1 of 18